Clicky to enbiggen:

24. Ancestors – Of Sound Mind
Doom metal stoners bring their Hammond organ along; bang your head slower.

23. Dinosaur Jr. – Farm
Still freaked out and shitty-sounding after all these years; the grass people will carry off your naked women.

22. Cobalt – Gin
How bizarre is it that the best black metal record in years comes from kids outta Colorado?

21. Mos Def – The Ecstatic
Mos stops making terrible records, makes love to Slick Rick’s ghost.

20. The Black Crowes – Before the Frost…
The Crowes get back to the basics by dumping all the sober people in the band and holing up in Levon Helm’s barn with a truck full of drugs/Levon Helm.

19. Atlas Sound – Logos
Makes me believe that all pop music is about gay sadomasochists.

18. David Sylvian – Manafon
Sylvian is so far out there it’ll take you the whole album to find him.

17. Gui Boratto – Take My Breath Away
Save the planet, dance, maybe become a furry, etc.

16. The Flaming Lips – Embryonic
The Lips follow up their two Asshole Records by sounding more like In a Priest-Driven Ambulance – thank the fuck Christ.

15. Kylesa – Static Tensions
Sludge maestros; so heavy I cracked a rib.

14. Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest
Worse than Yellow House, but way better than shitting in your hand.

13. Antony & The Johnsons – The Crying Light
Creepier than Antony’s first two outings, and therefore sexier.

12. The Antlers – Hospice
A rock opera about the love of your life dying from cancer! This is the only entry that gets an exclamation mark.

11. Megadeth – Endgame
The best thrash record of the aughts. Straight-faced songs from a 50-year-old man about people being tortured to death; you know – for kids.

10. Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
French pop is better because they’re more concerned with trying to appeal to your Dad; teenage girls will fuck them anyway.

9. Group Bombino – Guitars From Agadez
Tuareg rebels play guitars in the desert; my beard lit on fire.

8. Bat For Lashes – Two Suns
Witches kill your dog; Scott Walker comes out of hiding to contribute, manages to not be the highlight of the album.

7. Bill Callahan – Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle
A solitary moutain man cries real tears while petting his horse/teenage lover.

6. Natural Snow Buildings – Shadow Kingdom
Two and a half hours of drone from French folk prodigies, which is as awesome as it sounds, unless you’re a fucking loser.

5. Raekwon – Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… Pt II
Raekwon comes back from the dead; fucks your wife; buys Utah, learns kung-fu, etc.

4. Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion
The least organic band of all time somehow make themselves sound like a jam band; destroys world.

3. Fuck Buttons – Tarot Sport
Vangelis does a bunch of ecstasy and listens to Sonic Youth.

2. Amorphis – Skyforger
The triumphant songs that Vikings sing while they rape the corpses of your ancestors.

1. Mastodon – Crack the Skye
A rock opera about the drummer’s dead sister. A rock opera about Rasputin. Metal for people who love metal. Metal for people who hate metal. The record of the year.

15. jj – jj n° 2
14. Camera Obscura – My Maudlin Career
13. Atlas Sound – Logos
12. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart – The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
11. Bat for Lashes – Two Suns
10. Chromatic Flights – Sunset Bell
9. Tim Hecker – An Imaginary Country
8. Girls – Album
7. The Antlers – Hospice
6. Fever Ray – Fever Ray
5. Fuck Buttons – Tarot Sport
4. Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest
3. Mastodon – Crack the Skye
2. Dirty Projectors – Bitte Orca
1. Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

During a WordPress update preceding the posting of some Top Ten of ’09 lists, all the images on the site got erased. I seem to have no viable image backup. Since I have no desire to hunt down, reformat and re-upload 300+ images, I guess my New Year’s resolution is to start fourteen seconds over from scratch…