The Best Albums of 2009
January 1st, 2010
25. Charlotte Gainsbourg – IRM
More of a Beck record than a Gainsbourg record, but still; they have sex and make a child with goat feet.
24. Ancestors – Of Sound Mind
Doom metal stoners bring their Hammond organ along; bang your head slower.
23. Dinosaur Jr. – Farm
Still freaked out and shitty-sounding after all these years; the grass people will carry off your naked women.
22. Cobalt – Gin
How bizarre is it that the best black metal record in years comes from kids outta Colorado?
21. Mos Def – The Ecstatic
Mos stops making terrible records, makes love to Slick Rick’s ghost.
20. The Black Crowes – Before the Frost…
The Crowes get back to the basics by dumping all the sober people in the band and holing up in Levon Helm’s barn with a truck full of drugs/Levon Helm.
19. Atlas Sound – Logos
Makes me believe that all pop music is about gay sadomasochists.
18. David Sylvian – Manafon
Sylvian is so far out there it’ll take you the whole album to find him.
17. Gui Boratto – Take My Breath Away
Save the planet, dance, maybe become a furry, etc.
16. The Flaming Lips – Embryonic
The Lips follow up their two Asshole Records by sounding more like In a Priest-Driven Ambulance – thank the fuck Christ.
15. Kylesa – Static Tensions
Sludge maestros; so heavy I cracked a rib.
14. Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest
Worse than Yellow House, but way better than shitting in your hand.
13. Antony & The Johnsons – The Crying Light
Creepier than Antony’s first two outings, and therefore sexier.
12. The Antlers – Hospice
A rock opera about the love of your life dying from cancer! This is the only entry that gets an exclamation mark.
11. Megadeth – Endgame
The best thrash record of the aughts. Straight-faced songs from a 50-year-old man about people being tortured to death; you know – for kids.
10. Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
French pop is better because they’re more concerned with trying to appeal to your Dad; teenage girls will fuck them anyway.
9. Group Bombino – Guitars From Agadez
Tuareg rebels play guitars in the desert; my beard lit on fire.
8. Bat For Lashes – Two Suns
Witches kill your dog; Scott Walker comes out of hiding to contribute, manages to not be the highlight of the album.
7. Bill Callahan – Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle
A solitary moutain man cries real tears while petting his horse/teenage lover.
6. Amorphis – Skyforger
The triumphant songs that Vikings sing while they rape the corpses of your ancestors.
5. Natural Snow Buildings – Shadow Kingdom
Two and a half hours of drone from French folk prodigies, which is as awesome as it sounds, unless you’re a fucking loser.
4. Raekwon – Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… Pt II
Raekwon comes back from the dead; fucks your wife; buys Utah, learns kung-fu, etc.
3. Fuck Buttons – Tarot Sport
Vangelis does a bunch of ecstasy and listens to Sonic Youth.
2. Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion
The least organic band of all time somehow make themselves sound like a jam band; destroys world.
1. Mastodon – Crack the Skye
A rock opera about the drummer’s dead sister. A rock opera about Rasputin. Metal for people who love metal. Metal for people who hate metal. The record of the year.
